Move over Oscar, there’s a new girl in town.

What to do when the post-Christmas blues set in and the rain seems like it’s never going to let up? Get excited for awards season, of course.

It’s one of my weaknesses. The glitz, the glam, the carpet, the bevy of Hollywood royalty under one roof, and of course…. The hair. While sometimes a sceptic and always a realist, I also allow myself to dive into the shallow, fluffy pool of feathers and fairy dust that is celebrity. I remain unaffected when I do decide to come up for air, but god damn it, I enjoy my swim!

Let’s continue with the swimming analogy, shall we? Mostly because it’s hilariously ironic. (Those of you who know me will agree.)

I want to talk about The Oscars. There were fleeting moments that left me with that warm feeling that comes with peeing discreetly in a crowded swimming pool, but as an overall experience it was over-chlorinated and made my eyes sore. Unlike the Golden Globes. They reminded me of the time my brother and his wife came over for a Costco dinner that ended in smoking a joint and having piggyback races in my building’s pool (a scenario much more suited to a certain Mr Franco).

Instead of bore you with all the mundane detail that is my opinion… (More irony. Ha! Me? Mundane? I know!) I’ve decided to dish out my own awards… The 1st Annual Academy That Is Actually Just Made Up Of One Hair Stylist Awards, affectionately referred to in The Industry as The K-R0s. Drumroll please…

The Award for Most Awkward and Annoying Oscars host:

Anne Hathaway

Being humble is nice. Acting like you really think you don’t deserve to be hosting the Oscars… kinda just makes me think you don’t deserve to be hosting the Oscars. I respect Hathaway as an actress, I just wish she’d dialed it down a little. She reminded me of a geeky high school drama student and did nothing to dispel the myth that you can’t be into musical theatre and be pretty cool at the same time. (I’m still trying to convince my husband.) Besides, you can change your outfit as many times as you like, but you’re still just Anne Hathaway in a different dress.



The award for Making Being a Dirty Old Man Totally Acceptable:

Kirk Douglas

Not only were we okay with ol’ Kirky perving at Anne Hathaway on stage and nearly copping a feel of Melissa Leo’s right tit, but we thought it was adorable.

Was is the recent stroke that made it forgivable or just the fact that he’s a Hollywood Demi-god? Regardless, Mr Douglas’s award presentation was my favorite of the night.



The award for Rocking The Nastiest Movie Hair of 2010:

Melissa Leo

Miss Leo did such a great job of wearing that white-trash, bleached-out shag in The Fighter that nobody even knew she was a MILF in real life.  And she dropped an F-bomb during her acceptance speech. After toiling away at her craft for decades and finally gaining recognition at fifty, i say she can pepper her speech with whatever the fuck she wants.



The award for Making Getting Knocked-Up Seem Like a Cool Idea:

Natalie Portman

She gets to be in loads of movies, she looks hot with a shaved head, she wears fancy dresses, she’s won an Oscar, she’s Jewish… I wanna get knocked-up too! Or maybe I just want to be Natalie Portman… That might be it.



The Just Because You’re Hot doesn’t Mean You Don’t Have to do Your Hair Award:

Scarlett Johansson

She’s not on my list of ladies I’d go gay for, but I know a lot of humans, with and without the penis, who’d love to do things to Scarlett, and I wholly respect their opinions. What I don’t respect? Showing up to the Oscars with your hair decidedly un-done. Maybe Scarlett had a drink before the ceremony and decided to work on her flat-iron curls. Maybe she got on the wrong side of a ceiling fan. Maybe Ryan used to just hate it when she wore her hair that way… I spent so much time speculating on the hair that I still don’t know how I feel about the burgundy doily dress.


The award for Hair That I Wish Was In My Portfolio:

Mila Kunis

Loose without it being messy and with a vintage finger-waved feel thrown in, Mila’s look was young and elegant. And yet, when I close my eyes, I just hear Meg Griffin. Such a shame.

The I’m Playing the Role of the Seashell in my School Play Award:

Cate Blanchett

We all have to start somewhere, but surely Cate has surpassed the stage of portraying inanimate objects. The beading on her dress could have been pretty. But something went wrong. I’ll get back to you when I figure out what it was.

The Award for Being Able To Do No Wrong In My Eyes:

James Franco

How was he as an Oscars host? Who cares? All i know is that I’m super jealous of the cliff that got to play The Cliff in 127 Hours. And I’d totally cut off his arm if he asked me to. And drink his pee.

… too far?


Maybe this is a good time to conclude my Oscars round-up. Besides, there’s only so long you can stay in the water before your fingers start to prune.

Until next time, stay dry!


One Response to “Move over Oscar, there’s a new girl in town.”

  1. Pretending to tread water….but really just gazing at James Franco.

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